To Flake Or Not Flake On Plans?

And why the tap of a button has resulted in a lack of commitment.

How do you feel when someone cancels on you? More often than not, I’m sure there’s an internal sigh of relief, the “omg thank god she cancelled first, I sooo wasn’t feeling like going out anyway” thoughts that rush over you. Followed by the permission to get (or stay) in sweats, sit on the couch, and proceed to scroll or watch TV for the rest of the night.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to do those things. And maybe this sounds restful to you. But, it’s become so clear to me how much we’ve changed as a society when it comes to plans—making them and keeping them—and the impact it’s actually having on us as humans.

When I was younger, my parents constantly had social plans with other family friends. Often made a week in advance over a landline phone call, they knew which aunty and uncle’s house we were going to for dinner that weekend, what they’d be cooking to contribute to the feast (cause there was always a feast), and who else would be there.

It was a huge part of my childhood. Weekly gatherings with other families, the kids all playing in the basement while the adults chatted and laughed upstairs. We’d often be out until 2am, falling asleep on the couch and not remembering how we somehow got in the car and made it to our bed.

This was the type of community that my parents had in their 30s, 40s and beyond. There was always something going on. A picnic. A potluck. A BBQ. A visit to Niagara Falls. A party. A “function” of some sort. Sometimes it was a drag as a kid, but looking back now, these are actually some of my fondest childhood memories.

They were constantly surrounded by community, and sure we had our fun family movie nights with just the four of us at home (usually on Fridays), but I don’t remember my parents ever really cancelling on anyone.

I imagine that’s because:

1. They actually looked forward to seeing their friends. It was probably a highlight of their week to gather with their community, a way to destress and fill their cup (and ours…up until we were old enough to stay home alone and invite our friends from school over).

2. They respected the fact that a LOT of effort went into someone hosting a gathering at home and that it would be a real disappointment for a host to hear that there was all this food prepared, and no one to enjoy it. They fundamentally understood this because they themselves would always open up their home to others. Unless you’ve hosted yourself, I don’t think people realize how involved it can be and how disheartening it is when you hear of a cancellation.

3. It just wasn’t as easy to cancel. If you were running late throughout the day, or something had come up, there was no cell phone to text from at the last minute. You’d need to make it home to access your home phone to then call and cancel. By the time you got home, it was probably too late to do that. You had no quick out. The ease of cancelling just wasn’t there, so, it was much more likely you’d stay committed and work out your day around the plan you had said yes to in the first place.

It was also much more common to drop by your neighbour’s house if you needed to borrow some sugar, or answer the door when friends came by with extra cookies they baked. As kids we’d be playing on our front lawn, and my parent’s friends would often pop by unannounced for a cup of tea if they happened to be in the area.

This was in the 80s and 90s. There was constant community. Interaction. Socialization. Connection. Things we all need as humans to survive, and thrive.

Fast forward to now, and things couldn’t be more different.

Just the thought of our cellphones ringing, let alone a doorbell, is enough to send most of us into a panic.

What?! Why?! Who?! How?! HIDE. IGNORE. You know the feeling. Anything to avoid engagement.

I’ve spent the past 10 years or so building community. Maybe I’m trying to replicate the joy I felt in my childhood, or hang onto the “good old days” for a little longer.

I’ve created co-working groups, cookbook clubs, made new friends by attending events, planned endless gatherings and host annual summer and holiday parties to cultivate ongoing relationships.

I even launched a membership community to bring back real life connection so that we can all feel more fulfilled.

But, over the years I’ve noticed the massive shifts in human behaviour. How our sense of community has dissipated, without us even realizing it.

Then feelings of loneliness, emptiness, exhaustion or irritability show up and we can’t quite figure out why. Many of which are a result of the lack of real connection.

From my personal experience, these shifts have entered us into an era of it being 100% acceptable to be flaky friends. Almost normalized, even.

• We make plans weeks, or months in advance with friends because that’s all that our “busy” schedules allow for. They have to make it into our google calendars, or they don’t exist. Ironically, we plan so far in advance but as we near the date, we begin to hesitate, questioning if we even “feel like” following through.

• We have learned to tune into our energy as a form of self-care (which can be a great thing), BUT this also means that if we’re not feeling it, it ain’t happening, despite the plans not always being about us (i.e. bridal showers, birthdays, etc.).

• Sometimes, we just don’t show up. We think that if it’s a group event or party then the host won’t even notice and it won’t make a difference. As someone that hosts a lot, let me tell you—it is noticed, and it does make a difference. If you got an invite, it’s because someone values your presence and wants you around. Don’t take that lightly.

• Same goes for last minute text cancellations. There is nothing worse than an “I’m so sorry, I actually can’t make it tonight!” text just mere hours before a gathering, especially when the last thing a host wants to be doing is looking at their phone anxiously seeing cancellations roll in.

• We make plans based on convenience. Traffic is crazy. Commuting is hard. We want easy. So, we plan around what works for us. It’s rare to hear a friend proactively suggesting that they’ll come all the way to you if you live on the other side of town, regardless of how much they love you as a friend. So people end up stacking plans (“oh I think I’ll be in the west end in two weeks so maybe we can meet then?”, or “let’s meet in the middle”, or maybe not even at all cause it’s just too hard).

• Hosting at home is not as common. Pinterest has made us all believe we have to be incredible cooks AND know how to create a tablescape of beautiful butter towers or else it’s too embarrassing to welcome friends into your home. So, you just don’t. But not spending time in someone’s home means missing out on a WHOLE new level of intimacy in that relationship—comfort, coziness, the idea of sharing a space that you spend so much time in. Our fear of judgement has us closing our doors to our home (and honestly, our hearts).

AND YET, we are saving photos of retro Italian parties with checkered tablecloths as hosting inspiration for someday, reels of recipes we may never make for friends, quotes on connection that we all crave, and voice notes to respond to later because we’re always catching up.

I can’t even tell you the amount of times I hear people say they are craving connection, but the willingness to do the things to connect just isn’t there.

That’s why I think it’s SO important to show up as the friend that you wish you had.

The one that is there for a special occasion like a birthday or milestone event like having a baby. Not because you always feel like it, but because it matters.

The one that calls when you’re in their neighbourhood and wants to pop by to drop off treats, just because.

The one that’s there to come over for a cozy tea because you’ve had a bad day.

The one that might be so sick that they have no choice but to cancel on the party because they don’t want to spread germs, but maybe they make sure to call at least the day before or mail a little gift as a gesture to say “I really wish I could’ve been there".

The one that thinks of you in the morning, and can send an impromptu text for dinner plans that night because wouldn’t that be nice? And maybe even drive to the other end of the city. Cause your friendship is worth it.

The one that might not have the energy to go out, but remembers that the last time you met up your stomach hurt from laughter and honestly, after the day you’ve had, you actually could really use a bit of that.

Community isn’t about convenience. In order to cultivate it, you’re going to be annoyed, or have to go out of your way sometimes. AND THAT’S OK. Because in the age of digital everything, our real life friendships are something to be cherished.

The irony is that every time we choose to see friends that actually fill our cup and give us energy (not the relationships that deplete us), we actually always leave feeling better than when we arrived. And then we say to ourselves, “I should really do this more often!!!”

Instead of spending time doing things that we guise under the umbrella of “rest” (ahem, doomscrolling and bingeing), we could be finding simple ways to stay connected to the people that we care about. Or cultivating relationships with the ones we wish we knew better.

I was interviewed for an article for The Everygirl on how to savour Summer, influenced by the European way of living, and this is what the writer Arianna wrote after being inspired by some of the shifts I shared with her:

I fell into the notion that prioritizing alone time and saying “no” to social events regularly was the key to living well. But instead of feeling happier, I was left feeling lonely and anxious. It wasn’t until I prioritized socialization again that I realized how important social connection is for my well-being; connecting with friends and family regularly brought me more happiness than alone time ever could. Now, I’m having a weekly girls’ night, hanging out with family after work, and spending one-on-one quality time with my husband. Spending quality time with the people I care about every day—rather than just on weekends—nourishes my soul and fills me with happiness.

I think we all need some of that soul-nourishing connection in our lives, and flaking on plans is NOT the thing that will get us there.

I for one know that I could have easily decided not to show up and write to you today, but, our relationship matters, so I chose to nourish this even if I wasn’t feeling like it two hours ago. I stayed committed, regardless.

And hearing from you will be exactly the connection that will fill my cup, and hopefully yours too.

Until we write again,

xo Palak